If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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