I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize