So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
