Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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