You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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