everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize