Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
