...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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