He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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