I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
