I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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