This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
