I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Damn victory sex feels great
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
