she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
