brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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