her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
