OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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