I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
