Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
