you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
