someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
