I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
this hospital has no fireball
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
