I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize