At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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