so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she told me i tasted like america
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
