I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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