No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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