I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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