Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
