Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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