Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
