I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
