So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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