the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
