just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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