the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we're making bets on your personal life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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