Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
