wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
