she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
