I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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