soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
