I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
