Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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