Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
