so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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