final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
