Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
