Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
