It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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