there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
