it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
