Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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