I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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